Wednesday:) Words of Wisdom ~ Letter to Myself

“If you are brave enough to say goodbye life will reward you with a new hello.”

Paulo Coehlo

*********

I’ve been involved in a divorced and separated support group at my church for several years. People have come and gone, according to their needs and situations, but all who have participated were there for the same thing. All we’re looking to heal and share, either looking for support or giving support. When the group started over three years ago, I was already in a better place than I was in 2013. Back in those days, I was a messy molten mess of pain and uncertainty. I was hoping to help those just starting out in their painful journey.

A couple of weeks ago, our fearless leader, Christy, asked the group to write a letter of goodbye, as a healing exercise. We were supposed to say goodbye to our past and all the things we thought life would be like before divorce. I’m not one to follow directions, and I was feeling beyond that phase in my life. I also felt that saying goodbye was a bit negative, so I decided to say hello instead. Here is my letter.

Dear Me,

Hello my dear friend. Instead of writing a goodbye letter today, I’m writing a hello letter. I have spent the past six years saying good-bye to so many things. I’ve said goodbye to…the man I loved for forty-three years, my home, my financial security, my integral family unit, and my blind faith in a forever and ever fairy tale love. But most of all, I said goodbye to my old naive rose colored glasses mentality. I can see clearly now.

Now, I say hello to my strength, independence, freedom, self-assurance, hope, and endless dreams and possibilities. Now, I also say a huge hello to my un-yielding faith that has gotten me through the painful goodbyes, to be here in this peaceful place called hello.

“Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.”

― Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

Love always,

Me

Monday:) My Momentous Manifesto

“You can live with the lie, but you die with the truth.”

~Toni Armenta Andrukatis

*********************

“A lie is an affront to the soul, as well as an insult to the intelligence of the person to whom one lies.” 
― Judith McNaught

*********************

ONE year ago today, July 11, 2015, I was dancing at my son’s wedding. The mother/son dance was Carole King’s, “Child of Mine.” https://youtu.be/0bDrB47giqs It was the perfect song. I sang in his ear and cried. I’ll always remember that dance. I toasted the happy couple and danced all night. Today is their first wedding anniversary. A day I will always remember. Happy anniversary Joe and Lindsay. 7/11, a lucky day for them.


TWO years ago today, July 11, 2014, I was having a garage sale. I had to pack up nearly 40 years of my life, prepare to leave my home that I loved and lived in for ten years. My husband was already gone, moved out, shacked up with his girlfriend. The divorce almost final, and I was a mess. He left with a handful of clothes, a desk, a bookcase, and moved into a brand new townhouse. He bought all new furniture, appliances, clothes, and threw out all his old junk, including his wife. A day I will always remember. 7/11/14. Not a luck day for me.

THREE years ago today, July 11, 2013, “A day that will live in infamy.” My husband came home drunk again. He said he was having drinks with the guys from the club. I confronted him about his affair with the slut waitress from Craig Ranch TPC. He denied it, said I was crazy, I gave him proof, we fought, he said she meant nothing. I had found all the emails, photos, hotel reservations, texts and more. She wanted my husband, my life, the big house, and a new sugar daddy. She set him up to get caught, all the sneaking around, secret sexual rendezvous, lying, and cheating. He got caught with his pants down. She got her wish. He got what he deserved. He’s stuck with the slut now. A day I will always remember.. 7/11/13. The worst day of my life.


THIS IS MY MANIFESTO, borrowed from Brendon Burchard. 

Today, July 11, 2016, I couldn’t get 7/11 out of my head all day. I went to the doctor for my 6 month check up, went for a walk, talked to some neighbors, tried to take a nap, went for another walk, and tried to get this day out of my head, but I couldn’t. I just called my son to wish him a happy anniversary. This is a new beginning for them. This is a good day for a new beginning for me. It’s been a long hard work in progress. But, they say,  if you proclaim something out loud, put it in writing, and declare it to the world, you can make it happen. I will make it happen. I’ve already started.

****************

 From now on, this will be a good day. This will be the day that I formally declare, “I simply choose to be happy now, to be grateful now, to be a source of love and light for others. I am whole. I am ready. This is my day.”

7/11/16 THIS IS MY DAY

Sentimental Saturday:) Smiling, Crying, Singing, Dying

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” ― Lois Lowry, The Giver

******************* 

 
December 5, 1970, forty five years ago, was one of the best days of my life, now it’s an excruciatingly painful memory. It’s funny how certain dates, songs, places, and photos can stir up indescribable emotions. Actually, it isn’t funny at all! But, like the quote said, “Memories need to be shared.”

  
December 5, I went on a blind date with a sixteen year old boy named Tony. We fell in love and were inseparable. My first love, and I thought my till death do us part love. He proposed on December 5, 1974 and  we were married in 1975 and celebrated our “un-anniversary” every December 5th for forty-two years. We worked hard, raised two wonderful sons, and had a great life. So, at least I thought so. 

Fast forward forty-five years later…The abridged version…we got divorced last year and he’s shacked up with the slut waitress from his country club. He lied, cheated, and betrayed the woman who loved him unconditionally. I was blind-sided, broken for a long time, and still trying to pick up the pieces. So, needless to say, this day brings up sad painful memories. There was some serious crying today. 

NOW, for the smiling part. I wiped away the tears and was determined to have a wonderful day. I started out early this morning and went over to the Toys for Tots Motorcycle Run to visit with my friends David and Karen Marks who help coordinate and organize this annual event. Hundreds of bikers bring toys and donations for the annual Marine sponsored event. 

  
Karen Marks always has a big smile and hug for me. She has sons in the Marines, so this is a labor of love and dear to her heart.

  
David Marks, on the right, was instrumental in starting this 43 mile motorcycle run and charity event

  
The young Marines were happy to pose for pictures with visitors. It was a beautiful, crisp sunny day.

   
Mr. And Mrs. Santa also support the Marines.(I believe Santa was a Marine.)

    
   
After this, I hopped into my car, cranked up the radio, and sang my way down HWY 75 to my writing group over in Allen. I love this group of ladies. Liz, Julia, and Aelle are fabulous writers and wonderful friends. We spent more time laughing and chatting then we did critiquing work. 

Back into my car, more singing to the radio,  and off to Tupps Brwery for the holiday art show and brewery tour.( I don’t drink and drive, so I didn’t  do the tour/drinking part.) I ran into dozens of friends and most of the vendors were close artist friends. I’ll share those photos another day.TMI for now.

I had a late lunch on the square with my friend Terree at the Celt Pub, walked around, visited at Sweet Spot Bakery and  then chatted with Sue over at the visitors center. I got home around 4:30 and went for a long walk. 

I try to keep busy and fill my days with friends, smiles and songs. This helps fight back the tears, fears, and sad memories. I wasn’t even going to mention the painful memories of today’s date, but it’s all part of my day…the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

But, you know what? Each day gets a little better, with more laughing than crying. 

   
 

Caramel hot chocolate whipped cream mustache and a smile. Cheers!

Sunday: SEX, LIES, and AUDIO TAPES (A true story of betrayal and survival) Happy Anniversary!

(If you haven’t read my posts from beginning to end before, please read this one. Please, share in my healing, my joy, and unfortunately, the most excruciating pain a person can endure. Please share on your blog, your Facebook or Twitter page, or email. 

Thank you.)****************

Mess around and cheat on a musician, they’re going to write a sad song about it. Betray, lie, and cheat on a writer, well, they’re going to write a tell-all true story about it.  (He wanted “to be seen in public.”)

Toni Armenta Andrukaitis
****************

Divorce’s most brutal battles are fought in the mind-not in the courtroom. If you’ve had a long-term marriage, you tend to look back on all those years and you feel that you’ve wasted your entire life. It appears at first glance that you have more years behind you than ahead of you. You think, “What a fool I’ve been to have wasted my youth on such an unworthy or, worse yet, such an untrustworthy man!”

Kari West is the author of Dare to Trust, Dare to Hope Again: Living With Losses of the Heart. She maintains a grief recovery and divorce care website atwww.gardenglories.com.

*************

Today, August 23, 2015, is the one year anniversary of me moving into my new house, and starting my new life. A time for celebration? Perhaps. BUT, it also would have been my fortieth wedding anniversary. That never happened. 

Tony Andrukaitis and I were married on August 23, 1975, forty years ago, and our divorce was finalized on August 20, 2014. Yes, we were Toni and Tony, Antoinette and Anthony, the high school sweethearts and happy couple that met in 1970. We were together forever. Those are all bitter-sweet, murky memories now. 
  
I found this photo on my son’s Instagram page from an old entry. 

Betrayal and pain can fog up your brain, and those beautiful memories and faded photographs are just constant reminders of …I’m not sure of what. I can’t think about it.

One thing I do know is, I’m a writer, and a darn good writer, and I’m going to tell my story. I’ve been writing and journaling as long as I can remember. It varied from a single daily entry on a calendar page, to long narratives about events, trips, or celebrations. When we moved to McKinney, Texas in the fall of 2004, I started a daily journal in a navy blue spiral notebook, and eleven years later, I’m still writing in that same notebook.

  
July 11, 2013

Zumba, got sick, called Dr., Y (Y stands for Tony) drinks with the guys Henry’s. (OUT) ( he wasn’t with the guys )

One line for one day that will live in infamy. I confronted him about his affair 7/11, when he came home drunk, yet again, stumbling to his chair, petting the excited dogs. 

I said, “You weren’t out with the guys. You were with her!” 

His reply was, “You’re crazy. What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

What he didn’t know was, I had uncovered everything. As he kept lying and digging a deeper hole, I recorded the entire conversation on my phone. He didn’t know that I knew the other woman was Debbie Causey, the waitress/cart girl at his country club. I had hotel confirmations, photos, disgusting emails, and phone records from many months. The sequence of events that followed were devastating. At first I was in denial, then I was numb, then I was in pain, ending up in the emergency room with chest pains after seeing my doctor for STD testing. Long and short, I survived, but the marriage didn’t. It couldn’t be repaired, nor did he make any effort to do so. 

During one tearful heated argument in the Starbuck’s parking lot, he said in a booming voice, “Just sign the damn divorce papers already.” I asked him what was his big hurry. He said, and I quote, “I can’t be seen in public!” Through my muffled sobs, I had to laugh. 

“What do you mean you can’t be seen in public? Do you think a signed piece of paper is somehow going to change what you’ve been doing all these months? You didn’t have any trouble going to bars, restaurants, and checking into hotel rooms!”

He wanted to be seen in public. Well, now he can be seen in public. He has his divorce, he’s shacked up with the waitress, but what he doesn’t have is honesty, integrity,  or the respect  of anyone who knows what he has done and what he has put his family through. He is a true narcissist. 

Here are pictures that she sent him long before I caught him cheating. Debbie Causey set him up to get caught by calling and texting him constantly, sending incriminating photos and emails. She wanted my husband, my life, the big house, the trips, expensive gifts, and she needed a new “sugar daddy” after she was thrown out of the house by her long time boyfriend. Well, she got her wish. And you know what? She can have him! She’s a user and he’s a loser. She cheated with him, she will cheat on him. That’s what cheaters do.

   
    
 
Now, you can be seen in public !!!!!!

It’s such a long story, and I’m going to take my time and finish writing it. Through all of this, I continued to journal, and wrote many long detailed letters entitled, “Open Letters” that I emailed to myself. Some were written to my sons, to Tony Andrukaitis, and to his mistress, Debbie Causey. (I just call her the HO and he is AH. You get the drift.) But, I only sent them to myself. It’s all documented, now all II have to do is edit and finish writing the story. Perhaps then I will have closure. This is plan B. All of this has been bottled up inside me like a time bomb waiting to explode for two years.

Today is my anniversary. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

I’m going to break open a bottle of champagne and drink from one of my hand-painted champagne flutes, and celebrate my life. I have many more glasses and many more stories if you want to come join me. 

  

Montage Monday: A Week in a Peek

At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.
— Thomas Tusser
*************
A busy week of holiday celebrations, surgery, and healing. Friends help make the season bright, and a little less stressful. A week in a peek.

Let the celebrating and healing begin!!!

Now, to play, and make good cheer! Hmmm? How do you make good cheer? Is it a craft, AND can I put glitter on it?