Tag Archives: humor

A Super-Duper Spectacular Special Saturday

18 Oct

“Did you very have one of those days where absolutely everything was going right? Well, me either. But, today was pretty close.”

~Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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No alarm to wake me today. I fed the dog and let her out back, then did some meditation. Then, off for a morning walk with the dog around the pond. My neighbor is out of town for a few days, so she asked if I’d keep an eye on the cats, feed them, etc. Sure, why not? I am the neighborhood pet whisperer. Animals love be me.

Here’s the cool part… when I was feeding the cats the other day, I noticed Miss Kathy’s garbage disposal was broken. Dead as a doornail. As per instructions, I’ve always put the old cat food down the disposal. Oops! That wasn’t working.

Last year, or earlier this year, I don’t remember, maybe you do, my disposal stopped working. I googled to see how much it would cost to have one replaced and it was crazy expensive. So, I did some research and watched some YouTube videos and after one trip to Lowe’s for the right tool, I fixed my disposal. I decided that I’d give it a try on Miss Kathy’s.

I fed the cats, came home and got my tool that I had cleverly taped to the disposal under my sink and went over to give it the old college try. The hardest part was getting my old cranky knees and crinkly body down on the floor and under the cabinet, after removing all the bottles, cleaners, and stuff.

I remembered what I did with mine, and put the tool in the right spot and turned a few times, pressed the reset button, then crawled and strained to get up to test the switch. Nope! Dang!

I had my phone, so I did what most folks would do… I sat on the floor and watched a few YouTube videos on the subject. Back under the cabinet, more twisting, turning, unplugged, plug back, and say a few prayers to St. Joseph, (Patron Saint of carpenters and fathers- I didn’t have time to research who is the Saint for plumbers-St. Vincent Ferrer-just looked it up.) I dragged my old body up again and tested the switch. Voila!!!! Fixed it! I took a video and sent it to Miss Kathy, just saying, “I fixed your broken garbage disposal! I am AMAZING!” She replied… “I know you Are!”

Well, I was SO proud of myself, I could barely fit my big swollen with pride head out the front door, and my back was sore from patting myself on the back. A perfect start to my day.

Later, back at the ranch…my house… I was going through closets and boxes looking for more things to take over to church for the St. Vincent DePaul donation drive. I already had a ton of stuff, but I wanted to take three or four king size comforter sets that were upstairs in closets. When I grabbed the last one in the guest room, under the black trash bag that held the comforter, I found the long elusive crate with Joe’s 30 year old Dick Tracey lunch box and action figures that I had been desperately searching for to send him. It was under the bag. If I hadn’t been generously donating items, I wouldn’t have found it. Yay… thank you St. Anthony.

I was on a roll. I packed up the car and headed over to church with my donations. I met Helene over there, as she was donating, too. We stopped for a Coke and a chat.

I stopped at the store and got a great sale, eggs were 49cents a dozen, a case of water 3 for $5, and I had a coupon for free bananas-3 pounds, yes free! (Is there a saint for that?)

Now, even more good luck. I decided that if the line wasn’t too long outside Fire Station 5 on my way home, I would do my early voting today. Yep, perfect timing. No wait at all. In and out in less than 10 minutes.

Then, home to walk the dog… again… and catch the perfect sunset.

Now, wouldn’t you say that was a pretty darn good day? (And it’s not over yet. I know… I should have bought a lottery ticket.)

Happy Saturday, my friends!

Frightfully Lazy Friday

10 Oct

“If my Friday was any lazier, people would think I was in a coma.”

~Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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Wow! I literally did not get out of bed till noon today, and that was because I gave myself that very resolute and lofty goal. Now, the fact that I got out of bed at noon doesn’t mean I got anything accomplished. I stayed in my pajamas until 4:45 pm and took a shower at 5.

I did make a couple of phone calls, did some meditation, listened to some self-help cerebral type YouTube videos, and checked my emails, then floated away and flittering away the day on Facebook. On a laziness scale from 1-10, today I was about… pi cubed… 31.0062766803. That’s pretty lazy, but aren’t you impressed that I even know what “pi” is?

Everyone is entitled to a real lazy day now and then. My problem is I’m have too many “nows” and not so many “thens.” But, it’s Friday, my friends.

AND… It’s Black Russian Friday…. Cheers!!!!

Saturday:) Settlement Class Action Lawsuit

27 Sep

“I can’t decide if I should retire in Hawaii with the settlement from my class action lawsuit settlement, or get a Happy Meal.”

~ Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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Being a part of a class action lawsuit can be quite lucrative… said no one ever…. unless you are the attorneys.

A long time ago, I received a letter saying that I was part of a class action lawsuit. I was not required to do anything or sign any papers, but I just needed to be notified.

Yesterday, I received my check in the mail with my settlement. As I stated above, I couldn’t decide if I should retire in Hawaii or get a Happy Meal. Then, I realized that the check probably wouldn’t cover the cost of the Happy Meal after tax. I decided to just deposit the huge check of $4.67 cents and just live off the interest. 🤦‍♀️

I would venture to say that the attorneys on both sides made millions of dollars on this venture. I’m so glad we all could help them out. Not!

But, you must admit, it is kind of funny in a sick venal selfish capitalistic kind of way.

On a brighter note, it was another beautiful day with another gorgeous sunset.

Happy Saturday, my friend.

Wednesday:) What’s Cookin’ Miss Toni?

9 Sep

Cooking is like painting or writing a song. Just as there are only so many notes or colors, there are only so many flavors — it’s how you combine them that sets you apart. — Wolfgang

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I never got around to eating dinner last night, so after waking up at 6 am, a trip to the airport, a few errands on the way hope, and a two mile walk, by the time afternoon rolled around, I was getting hungry. My two choices for cooking are always 1) Massive quantities of food, endless pots and pans, dozens of cans and jars, and endless chopping and dicing, making a mess and plenty to share with friends and neighbors. OR 2) Just grab something fast and easy and tasty that I can make in five minutes just for me. Today, I chose the latter.

Here’s a real quick and yummy no-recipe recipe. (I don’t follow directions well)

The main ingredient and source of inspiration is always in my fridge or pantry. A jar of BERNARD’S GOURMET FOODS SALSA.

I opened a can of black beans, drained, and added a few tablespoons of Tomato Y Red Pepper Salsa right into the can and stirred it up. (Lazy) I scooped a few tablespoons of the mixture onto two pre-made Calidad Tostada shells, sprinkled with pepper jack cheese, and popped it into the toaster oven until cheese all melty warm. I topped with chopped baby spinach, because I love spinach, and a dollop of guacamole that I had leftover from yesterday’s Taco Tuesday at Nom Nom, and another spoonful of salsa. Very vegetarian friendly and yummy.

This quick and easy no-recipe recipe can feed just one person, or a large tribe of hungry nomad lumberjacks on Spring Break. (Not sure where I came up with that?)

For more real recipes and cooking ideas, check out the Facebook page of my good friends David and Michele, at Bernard’s Gourmet Foods. THE BEST! Seriously, you should friend them. You’ll be glad you did. 🤗

Wednesday:) What’s Cookin’ Miss Toni? PB&J Cookies

20 Aug

“If you have a good recipe, use it often. If you want a great recipe, tweek it, play with it, be creative, and make it awesome.”

~Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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You may have seen my Better than Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe last week, where I doctored it up with chopped up Snicker bars, Kraft caramel bits, and sprinkled with kosher salt. Well, if you didn’t… you missed out. It was awesome. A handful of neighbors and friends got to taste a few. Am I right or what?

Well, today I took the peanut butter cookie dough that I made at the same time last week, with the same recipe, minus the chocolate chips, adding peanut butter. I decided to experiment with Peanut Butter and Jelly cookies. You heard me right. PB&J cookies. I also made a few with cut up Reese’s peanut butter cups.

In case you don’t believe me, I made a video. (Wasn’t easy- I had to figure out how to record it.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAtKNkYa9vc

The cookies were awesome and would make a perfect after school or virtual-school snack with a glass of milk or virtual milk… just kidding. I drink almond milk.

When you bite the cookie and find the surprise Jelly inside… WOW!

If you missed the basic recipe before creativity set in…

Now, the making of this film was not as simple as it looks. I had to figure out a way to set up my iPad to overlook the kitchen island for the demonstration. I tried propping it up on the garbage can on top of a chair. Nope! It fell down with a thud. iPad safe. Then, I tried a step stool, nope, then the step stool upside down on top of the chair, then turned that around, then used a huge rubber band to suspend it at an angle. Phew! About half an hour later, Voila! I’d like to change the old saying to …”Motherhood is the necessity of inventions.”

I took a picture for next time. Like the song says, “‘Cause I’ll never have that recipe again…”

Well, the cookies were awesome. So now, I’m two for two. Who knows what’s next? After the last batch came out of the oven, I went out for an evening walk to catch the sunset. It was 90°, but a little breeze. Between my morning walk and evening walk, I think I may have burned off that one huge cookie that I was forced to taste test for quality control. Maybe not.

Another great sunset. Life is good and the cookies and sunsets are gooder. (Literary license.)

Saturday:) Some Serious Television Marketing Going On

8 Aug

“I may be old, but please stop sending me Life Alert and cremation information all the time. I just started getting Social Security. I’m not dead yet.”

~ Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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I was bored this afternoon, so I scrolled through all the channels on the TV and found a station playing “The Lone Ranger” episodes all day. Cool! It made me think of my childhood and all the awesome wholesome shows that were on back then.

After a couple of episodes where the masked man and his Indian companion, Tonto, save the town from the bad guys, I realized that the commercials where very strange.

There were several commercials for AARP, the Walk in Tub, Medical Guardian, Medicare, etc. Did they think only us old people would be watch The Lone Ranger? I was highly insulted. But, you know…. that Walk in Tub does look pretty intriguing. 🤦‍♀️

Have a great Saturday, and remember, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Uh oh… I’m in trouble!

Saturday Just Sittin’ Around

2 Aug

“You are sitting! Want to be there? You can’t reach there by not going there! Sitting is the enemy of your dreams!”

― Mehmet Murat ildan

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Well, I was thinking that all I did was sit around most of the day, but not really all day. I did go out this morning and pull some weeds and pull out a LOT of lovely tall green grass that had taken over my flower beds. I wish my grass would grow that thick and lush where it’s supposed to grow, and not inside the flower beds. I thought it was cool enough to work outside, but after about an hour, my sun glasses were fogged up and blurry from the dripping sweat, I figured it was time to come in and cool off.

After a little rest and several glasses of cool water, I visited with my old friend Henrietta Hoover, who I hadn’t seen in such a long time. I took Henrietta for a spin around the house.

I could tell it had been a while since last we visited because her empty canister filled up pretty fast. I think she missed me.

When I finally sat down to rest from my exhausting endeavors, I grabbed my iPad to check my emails and Facebook, only to be appalled by its sad worn torn ugly pink cover. I had a brand new cover sitting in the closet for a long time, why didn’t I use it?

I slid my iPad out of the mangey old pink cover and slipped it into the newly discovered black one, and it fit perfectly. Cool! I checked my emails and Facebook, then decided to take a picture of the old cover. Guess what? There was no hole for the camera on the back, so it couldn’t take a picture with the new cover on. Oh no! Now what?

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I needed to come up with a plan, so I decided to poke a hole through the cover with a sharp knife. Not as easy as it sounds. After poking and slicing and snipping with knife and scissors, it still wasn’t looking right. I had an idea. I’ll heat up the handle of a fork and use it to sear or cauterize the opening for a cleaner hole, going round and round and melting the pretend artificial genuine simulated leather. Ah, worked like a charm. That is because “I Am … Amazing!”

Well, now it’s late and I’m exhausted from all my trials and tribulations and imaginations. Perhaps a glass of wine and a little TV. I can’t stay up too late, I have to get up by 10:55 am so I can watch 11 o’clock Mass in my pajamas tomorrow. “Night John Boy.”

Wednesday:) Words of Wisdom About Housework.

9 Jul

“Rule number 1- Never remove and empty the vacuum cleaner canister unless you know how to put it back. (Ask me how I know!)”

~ Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?

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Well, you may remember my old friend Henrietta Hoover, my trusty vacuum cleaner. Yes, she sat patiently in the middle of the hallway for several days before I decided it was time to vacuum instead of tripping over her every day. That is my cleaning strategy. Annoyance.

Henrietta got a new belt and a good cleaning last month, so she was humming like new and picking up all kinds of hidden treasures, dust bunnies, and a lot long brown hair. (Where did that come from?) Unfortunately, she did such a good job that the dirt canister was just about full. Seeing as Wednesday was garbage day, I thought it was a good idea to empty it and take it out to the trash.

Well, I just pushed in that little grey nubby thing, turned the plastic thing-a-ma-jig, and emptied that sucker out in two minutes flat, and off to the trash I went.

Now, it was time to put the canister back together and back into Henrietta’s waiting tummy. But NOOOOO! As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get the twisty thing to turn into the right plastic slotty grovey spot. (You notice all these technical vacuum part names, right?)

Seriously, after about half an hour of twisting, turning, and cussing in two different languages, I was about to give up. Instead, I raised my right hand into the air with a fist and said, “As God is my witness, I will fix Henrietta before this day is over.”

I guess that did the trick. Maybe God didn’t like all that cussing, so He waited until I calmed down and asked for His help. And yes, we Catholics have a Patron Saint for every occasion.

St. Zita is the Patron Saint of housekeepers, maids and servants, and was well known for her patience, hard work, and spending her life attending to the poor and those imprisoned.

Next time, I’ll start out with a prayer instead of cussin’.

Montage Monday:) A Week In A Peek

23 Jun

“If you could walk a mile in my shoes you would say, ‘Wow! She is amazing and she has really big feet.’ ” (A little Monday humor.)

~Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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You know what? Life is pretty darn good. I haven’t been able to run around like a mad crazy woman like the old BQ days, Before Quarantine, but I’m slowly learning to cope and adjust. I find myself reading more, studying, walking, meditating, and learning about myself. And, I get to FaceTime with my family. It’s a good thing. Always look for the silver lining, the rainbow after the storm, the worm down at the bottle of the tequila bottle. (More humor.)

A week in a pretty darn good peek…

Happy Monday, my friends.

Wednesday:) What’s With That Hair, Miss Toni?

18 Jun

“Oh, I just love these hot humid sultry summer days, said NO Latina ever!”

~Toni Armenta Andrukaitis

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Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, I always hated my unruly curly hair. I call it my hysterical Hispanic hair. Especially in the 70’s when every girl wanted fine, long, and straight hair. I had long thick, couldn’t get a comb through it curly hair. So, of course, I used chemical straighteners, ironed it, hot curlers, you name it, but the first humid day… disaster. Thank God for pony tails and braids.

The winter and early spring here in North Texas has been mild and comfortable. But, the last couple of weeks have been blistering hot and humid. Not good for the Hispanic hair.

I go through many comb attachments on my hair dryer every year, just trying to get out the curls and tangles.

Because I’m too embarrassed, or just not up for the painful experience, I tend to cut my own hair, too.

When I would go to a salon, the poor shampoo girl would get carpal tunnel while I yelped as she tried to comb out the tangles,

So, when I receive all those compliments in the winter about my beautiful thick curly hair, I just say, “Thank you.” But, they have NO idea how much work it takes to smooth out that forest.

If you see me around town or on Facebook this summer, remember that my hair will be up in a bun or ponytail until next winter. It’s a Hispanic thing.