Tag Archives: jokes

Silly Saturday

20 Nov

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up.”

– Mark Twain.

*************

I’ve always been a fan of a really good joke. My problem is that I can never remember too many. I know one long Catholic joke about a priest on a plane that I like to share when traveling. It’s so long and boring that it pretty much takes up the entire flight. 🤦‍♀️ Laughter is the best medicine.

I thought on this gray and gloomy day, I’d take a break from my painting ornaments while singing along with Sinatra, and share a few funny jokes. Maybe they will cheer you up too. I already have a few new favorites… “How much money does a pirate pay for corn? … A buccaneer.”🤦‍♀️. Happy Saturday, my friends.

(Jokes- Compliments of Country Living Magazine and a chilly boring Saturday.)

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it the last time. 🤦‍♀️

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.

What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They’re his watch dogs.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

  • Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
  • What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me.
  • Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
  • My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
  • What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  • Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
  • What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
  • Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
  • I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
  • What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
  • Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
  • What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
  • How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  • What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? “Dill me in!”
  • How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
  • Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
  • Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
  • How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.
  • If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
  • I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
  • What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
  • Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.
  • How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
  • What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
  • What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.
  • Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
  • What’s black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.
  • How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  • Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
  • Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.
  • Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
  • What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I’ll go on ahead.
  • What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
  • I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
  • What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
  • What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
  • How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
  • Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
  • Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.
  • I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.
  • A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.
  • What’s a ninja’s favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.
  • What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
  • What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
  • Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.

Wednesday:) Why Did The Duck Cross The Road?

11 May

Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.

~ Michael Caine

***************

When I went for my evening walk, three ducks were standing in the middle of the street, just standing there in front of my house, no where near the pond. Tourists! Or, maybe they heard about my delicious brownies or Friday night Black Russians. 

All I could think of was, “Why did the ducks cross the road?” Maybe so I’d have something to write about tonight. A few duck jokes, perhaps.

Duck Jokes

Your feathers will be a flying as you roll around the floor Quacking-Up to these Duck Jokes
A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane coming right for them. So the man yells: “DUCK!!!!” and the duck yells back at the man with an angry face: “MAN!!!!”

“Doctor, doctor, my wife thinks she’s a duck.” 

“You better bring her in to see me straight away.” 

“I can’t do that – she’s already flown south for the winter.”

Q: What time does a duck wake up at? 

A: At the quack of dawn!!

Q: What do ducks get after they eat?

A: A bill!
Q: Who stole the soap?

A: The robber ducky

Q: What do you call a duck with fangs?

A: Count Duckula

Q: Where did the duck go when he was sick?

A: To the Ducktor

Q: What did the detective duck say to his partner?

A: I hope we Quack this case.

Q: Why don’t ducks fly upside down?

A: Because they don’t want to QUACK up.

Q: Why did the duck go to the supermarket?

A: To get some Quackers.

Q: What do you call a box of ducks?

A: A box of Quackers.

Q: Why did the duck tell you a joke?

A: Because he wanted to QUACK you up!

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?

A: Because he was jealous of the chicken.

Q: Why does a duck say quack?

A: Because it can’t say moo.

Q: Where did the duck lose his feathers?

A: Down town.

Q: What does a duck do first when making an omelette?

A: He quacks some eggs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a firework?

A: A firequacker.

Q: What’s another name for a clever duck?

A: A wise quacker.

Q: What’s a Duckworth?

A: I don’t know, what does a Henweigh?

Q: How do you get down off a horse?

A: You don’t, you get down off a duck.

Q: Why do ducks watch the weather?

A: For the feather forecast.

Q: What says “Quick, Quick”?

A: A duck with the hiccups.
A Duck Walks into…

A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, “Cash or check?” and the duck says, “Just put it on my bill.”

A duck goes into a bar and says, ‘I would like a drink. I am old enough.’ 

The bartender replies, ‘You need to be able to prove who you are.’ 

The duck pulls out a mirror. He looks in it, nods his head, and says, ‘Yep, that’s me.’
A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, “Why are you so happy today?”

The duck replies, “I’ve been playing in puddles all day.” The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.

A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, “Why are you so happy today?”

The duck gives the bartender the same answer, “I’ve been playing in puddles all day.” This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it at the bar.

A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world. The bartender asks the duck, “What’s wrong with you?”

The duck replies, “My name is Puddles and I’ve had a terrible day.”

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my brother been in here?”

The bartender responds, “What does he look like?”
http://www.superduck.com.au/fun-and-games-duck-jokes.html